Lets start with the definition "nice guy" from Urban Dictionary: | ||
A young male who will give up countless hours of his time listening to the problems of his very attractive female friends because they need someone to talk to about their apathetic, Baywatch jock of a boyfriend because no one else will listen or genuinely care. Although always surrounded by beautiful girls the nice guy can’t get a girlfriend or even facilitate the alleviation of certain “drives” because his “ordinary” physical appearance will forever be compared to the Baywatch beach bum’s. The nice guy would never capitalize on a vulnerable girl, objectify or cheat on a girl, he will go out of his way and bend over backwards to help his “friends” and will never ask for anything in return but no matter how intelligent, understanding, humorous, compassionate, trusting or loyal the nice guy is the female cohort will always pass him up and endure any length of abuse, objectification, apathy and cold-heartedness from a man if he has physical attractiveness, fashion, big muscles and chiseled facial features. The nice guy will eventually realize that his dependability and empathy will never be appreciated and all his friendships with females are all one-sided. This coupled with years of watching girls go for tanned, muscular jerk-offs with nice cars while he desperately hopes someone will realize that how viable he actually is will spawn and incubate the nice guy’s insecurities and he will eventually abandon his views, dumb-down his speech, take-up weight-lifting and switch majors from cancer research with a minor in theoretical physics to playground management so he can devote his time to emulating Baywatch characters and football players so that he will one day be viewed as more than a “nice guy.” The nice guy will eventually work up the courage to ask out his attractive female friend but will invariably be turned down because she’s so self-centered that she’d never actually had a smidgeon of compassion for the nice guy’s feelings or even realized that he’s interested in girls. After rejecting the nice guy, the girl will downplay the supposed friendship to the point where they never speak again, which in turn will make the nice guy depressed (ironically, he won’t have anyone to talk to) because he’s devoted so much time and energy and has become so warped from being exposed to these kinds of people that he will either live the rest of his life alone in a tiny apartment, jerking off to old Saved by the Bell episodes or get drunk one night and impregnate a 300-pound, cross-eyed derelict who works at Wendy’s and spend the rest of his life being treated like shit. The whole ‘nice guy’ phenomenon really supports the idea that people primarily care about physical appearances and that shrewdness, selfishness and narcissism will always triumph over compassion, rapport and “inner beauty.”
"Jeez Patrick, I hope I can find a nice guy like you someday."
"Well, if you need me I'll be at home, crying myself to sleep while masturbating to the sound of my 70-year-old neighbors having sex...I might also play some ps2." Original source. | ||
I initially thought that the reason that women would stray away from these men is because they had an inherent desire to seek out the "bad boy", the one guy that would treat them like absolute, complete shit. I thought that women were cold, heartless monsters.
However, after much thought, I believe that I have figured it out.
It is the nice guy's fault.
He has absolutely no self-esteem. Guys with a decent amount of self-esteem will be perfectly fine after rejection, and what do they do? They might feel like shit temporarily, but ultimately they move on. Who keeps letting the rejection happen? The "nice guy". Who doesn't move on? The "nice guy". Sure, the women are partially to blame, but who stays there like a lost child and continues to subject themselves to the pain? The "nice guy".
What they don't realize is that it is a competitive place. Men have to be competitive to get a woman. If you don't play the game, you can't win at all. That's right, it is a game. If you don't want to play the game, fine. You just won't ever have a girlfriend. You have to put yourself out there to get noticed. Nobody will notice you unless you go out of your way to make an impression.
Oh, did I offend you? You don't that it is a game? Nobody will willingly admit that they were playing a game when they found their mate. When you first start talking to someone you're going after, you put on a pretty face. You make yourself look good. You are on your best behavior until you establish a hook in the fish. You aren't yourself. You are a fictitious version of yourself with no obvious flaws to get someone to like you. It is fake, but that's the way that things are. It is a slippery slope, but you have to play by the rules to conquer. Any time there is established rules, it is a game, laws that needs to be followed, if you will.
Someone with a doctorate told me once that anyone can pretend to be anybody for 90 days. After that, the true identity will be revealed. The person you think you know could be leading a double life... Like here, and here.
Look at yourself in the mirror. Ask yourself why you can't get a girlfriend, much less get laid. You sit at your home, you don't make an effort to get noticed. You have no self-esteem. You say that you have anxiety? Force yourself around people. Make a name for yourself. Play the game.
Nice guys have the fundamental flaw of taking every single rejection and magnifying it many times. So if they did in fact go out on a limb and get rejected, they think it is the worst thing in the world and never try again. They bring it upon themselves to not pick themselves up and actually move up and on with it. Someone with the nice guy condition (and make no mistake, it is a "condition") will dig themselves a hole and never try and climb out. The further they fall into this state, the harder it is to dig themselves out of it. After establishing a lack of motivation to get themselves out of the state they are in, they cling to a friendly woman figure and secretly fall in love with them; talking to the said individual and hoping that they come around.
The thing that most of these "nice guys" don't realize, is that they are just as selfish and egotistical as the jerk that they are singling out and secretly envy. They want to be "that guy", they think they are superior, they think they deserve more and that the whole world should realize this and some even demand things go their way. The only true difference is that "nice guys" just are much more spineless than the "jerks" to the point where they wouldn't do anything to improve their situation even if their life depended on it.
I'm going to give you guys some advice: Be like Tom, stop giving a shit.
This is why you will never be anything more than a good "friend" to the one that you secretly admire. Chivalry is dead. That being said, I didn't say become a dick, but at the same time, don't dwell on stupid factors that you don't have control over. You being rejected most likely doesn't have anything to do with you, yet you take it to heart. Move on. Especially if you are waiting for someone to break up with their currently boyfriend to be with you. That type of thinking is selfish and unrealistic. You must set realistic standards for yourself in order to advance, not just with companionship, but with life too.
Set two goals:
1. Draw out a set of relationship goals.
Draw two lines the paper evenly spaced out so that there is three empty columns. Draw a line at the top all the way across. On the first column, write "Must". On the second, write "Must-not". Finally, on the third, write "Iffy".
For the first column, write what a relationship must have (Attractive, financially secure, trustworthy, educated, ect). Keep in mind that these need to be realistic things... Writing down 5'4", blue hair, green eyes and stylish clothes is unrealistic because you aren't looking for a woman, you are looking for an anime character. You will be perfectly content with a regular woman who varies from this.
Now, for the second column write the things that the person must not have (Addictions, compulsive liar, mental illness [like bipolar], eating disorders, ect). Limit the physical things that you put and instead focus things that you personally wouldn't be compatible with.
For the last column, write what would depend on the situation (kids, goals, body weight, ect). The reason why I didn't include goals in the first column is because they could have a goal alright, but depending on what that goal is, you might not be compatible with it (like a goal to sell herself for sex, ect).
2. Try, try, try again.
It is true that there are plenty of fish in the sea, don't get caught up on just one. Do what you have to do and move on after rejection, because not everyone is going to like you. Deal with it. Nobody likes a fucking creeper that just won't accept that he will never get a piece of that. Don't be "that guy" that people know who just doesn't "get" that someone doesn't want to be with him.
With those two in mind, it should be easier to find someone that you are compatible with. If one doesn't fit under that list, move on. If you get rejected, move on. There is a difference between playing hard to get and rejecting you. It is a very fine line, so if she crosses it, do yourself a favor and don't get hung up on it. Moving on may even bring them back to you.
Don't hold your breath on it though, the secret is to really stop caring.
Have the attitude: if it happens it happens, if not, I'll be fine.
Don't forget the drama!
The reason why you should be questioning why all of this should even be worth it in the first place is you guessed it, drama.
Going back to the earlier list of relationship goals, this list will help you narrow down certain traits of your potential significant other, however, it will not completely eliminate all conflict. When this conflict is blown out of proportion and not dealt with in a mature way, you get drama. Most of it is done for attention.
Lets get the Urban Dictionary's definition for drama.
DramaA way of relating to the world in which a person consistently overreacts to or greatly exaggerates the importance of benign events. Typically "drama" is used by people who are chronically bored or those who seek attention. People who engage in "drama" will usually attempt to drag other people into their dramatic state, as a way of gaining attention or making their own lives more exciting. Common warning signs/ risk factors of drama or a dramatic person are: 1. Having one supposedly serious problem after another. 2. Constantly telling other people about one's problems. 3. Extreme emotionality or frequently shifting, intense emotions. 4. Claiming to have experienced negative events that are highly implausible. 5. A boring job or mundane life. 6. Making claims without sufficient evidence or a lack of detail about supposedly serious events. 7. A pattern of irrational behavior and reactions to everyday problems. Sarah had a slight fever and mild cough. She decided to use drama, in order to receive sympathy and attention, so she told everyone she was deathly ill. Debra lost her keys then spent four hours crying and yelling at her husband. Mary did not answer her cell phone for an hour, so John feared that she had died in a horrible car accident. Someone stole Steve's can of Coke from the break room fridge, now he believes that someone at work is trying to destroy him. Original source. | ||
So really, the only way to get above all of the bullshit is to not date. To focus on one night stands.
Based on my experience, there is something fundamentally wrong with most relationships. People endure all of the drama why?
Because they are afraid of being alone. They are afraid of the unknown. They are afraid that if they wonder out alone, they'll never find someone else.
You'll have people that will hesitate to readily admit this fact, but it is true. Sure, it isn't normal to have a desire to be alone, however, you'll feel so much more free without having to deal with the drama of another. Focusing on yourself with allow the freedom of discovering one's self, avoiding being held back. Focusing on yourself for self-improvement for when that special someone does come along, is key.
To me, that's healthier than the constant stress of a relationship.
Going back to my original point of this article, someone with the nice guy condition has imposed this debilitating disorder on himself. His only way to become better is to break the cycle or accept failure.
Look, even if you could get a relationship, is it really worth dealing with the drama? For the ones that are desperate, the answer is unequivocally yes.
Think about it.
Even if you've never had a relationship, is it worth having a miserable one than being single?
I'll let you decide.
Now let's have a moment for our brothers who will be forever friendzoned.
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